They told me I have yet to find myself. They also told me I shouldn’t worry about it because I am young—I have plenty of time to get in and out of my head. I am still allowed to make mistakes. I am supposed to explore as much as I can before I become myself.
But you see, people tell me stuff all the time. Sometimes I listen, sometimes I don’t… and when I do listen, there are times when I agree and times when I don’t. This thing about the self falls into the category of Things I Listen To and the subcategory of Things I Listen To And Agree With.
They’re right. I haven’t found myself (yet). But will I ever? And more importantly, do I have to? If the answer to both questions is no, then I have nothing to worry about (and not only because I am young). I think that nobody will ever get to enjoy—if enjoyment is part of it—the luxury of settling in one shell. People might try to convince themselves that they have a fixed identity by doing all sorts of different things—staying in one place all their lives, working at one company until they retire, associating with the same people for long periods of time, refusing to learn other languages, etc—but what would they truly gain from doing that? Stability?
Stability requires effort and a great deal of denial. Yes, we do need some sort of structure to function, yet by agreeing to continuously live according to one particular structure, we are denying many other structures. Stability is convenient, and convenience is indeed a favourable thing, but what are the exceptions in relation to the “self”—considering that it exists?
If I have to be honest with you, to find myself is not my goal in life. I’m not even sure if I believe that it’s out there somewhere, waiting for me. I—whether it be my mind or body, or both—will continue to wander, but will you? I can’t force you to, of course, and I understand if you won’t. I just want you to know that I’ve already found my love for you. That is enough for me. I wonder if it’s enough for you.
People can reach death without ever knowing who they truly are, but I’m sure that every human being on this planet drifts off into the void with their loved ones in mind.